Old Short Story Review
Hey all, I've got another short story for you all to judge. This story is something I wrote in my creative writing class more than two years ago. I'm sorry I don't have any new stories that I'm writing right now, but I'm working very hard on this screenplay, and I don't want to lose the momentum on that. Luckily, I've got a lot of stock left to pull from while I work on that. So, I haven't had much of a chance to look this story over before I put it here, but I thought it would be fun to have you read it, and then after discuss the problems. Sound good? Alright, let's do this. This story is called "Jacob And The New School."
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Jacob took small, shaky steps towards the large glass doors. He stopped just before them and turned to give his mother one last look. Maybe this time she’ll rescue him and bring him home, but no, she just smiled at him. That smile she gives to warm him up inside to make him feel like he can do anything. Unfortunately, it had little effect this time. She started her blue minivan and started to drive out of the half-circle drive and down the straight, lone strip of asphalt back to the highway. He was alone once again.
Jacob turned back to the doors and before he knew it they were growing larger as he was being dragged toward them by the mob of kids pushing him. He felt as if he was drowning like a life preserver drifting just above the unstoppable ocean waves. He finally caught his breath when he managed to escape the horde of kids rushing inside the building. His eyes darted wildly as he tried to focus his gaze on one thing at a time. The place looked so different the day before when he was being given a tour. It was peacefully quiet then. He saw no more than a lonely janitor walking through the wide hallways. Now the place had a feeling of what Jacob thought that Wall-Street looked like. There were four hallways all headed in different directions and meeting in a large square opening. Jacob thought he could see tables and chairs set up throughout the square, but he wasn’t quite sure because of all of the people moving around constantly like waves crashing against the sand bar and retreating back again. He had a feeling he would go deaf with all of the loud noises being shouted from one end of the square to the other. Jacob got a little bit lightheaded from the bouquet of various colognes, perfumes, and deodorants mixing together all around him. He glanced around and saw in one of the back corners of the square a window that looked like a teachers’ lounge through the glass. He watched as all of the timeworn teachers inside tried their best to ignore all of the chaos happening on the other side of their window. For a minute Jacob felt like something was being wrapped around his neck tighter and tighter. His hands felt like they were dripping all over the floor which explained, he thought, why his mouth was one step behind being a desert.
He had to get out of there, but the only exit was being bombarded by more waves of screaming children and impatient adults. His heart was seconds from shooting from his chest and his eyes were racing every which way searching for any kind of escape route, but none could be found. He didn’t know if he would get through this day alive or not. That was until he heard a small, sweet voice call out his name, “Jacob Reynolds,” her voice was so relaxing and powerful that all of Jacob’s anxieties melted off of him like a popsicle in the hot sun. “Hi, I’m Miss Honey, come with me sweetie and I’ll help you figure out your schedule. Let’s get you out of this hurricane of students.” Jacob took her hand and stayed as close as possible to her. As they walked down the long hallway she was like a lighthouse shining a path through a storm. Jacob looked up at Miss Honey and got the same feeling he usually received from his mother’s smile. Like he could do anything.
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First thought on this, a lot of filler-words that could be cut, but the story itself isn't too bad. I noticed a few awkward descriptions and wordings, but nothing too fatal. I like the ocean metaphors. I remember thinking how clever I was for using those. I think this story captures the essence of a new student pretty well. If you've ever been a new student at a school before (and I've had plenty of experience), you know that feeling of over-stimulation that comes with the first day of new schools. Loud students, unknown lands, utter confusion.
Miss Honey was an interesting character. Kind of just showed up out of nowhere, didn't she? But, I guess it seems that way to Jacob's warped perception of the school. I'm sure it wasn't as heroic a save as it's portrayed.
Overall, not bad. Needs improvement, but not bad. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments, and I'll see you all tomorrow.
Buh-bye.
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Jacob took small, shaky steps towards the large glass doors. He stopped just before them and turned to give his mother one last look. Maybe this time she’ll rescue him and bring him home, but no, she just smiled at him. That smile she gives to warm him up inside to make him feel like he can do anything. Unfortunately, it had little effect this time. She started her blue minivan and started to drive out of the half-circle drive and down the straight, lone strip of asphalt back to the highway. He was alone once again.
Jacob turned back to the doors and before he knew it they were growing larger as he was being dragged toward them by the mob of kids pushing him. He felt as if he was drowning like a life preserver drifting just above the unstoppable ocean waves. He finally caught his breath when he managed to escape the horde of kids rushing inside the building. His eyes darted wildly as he tried to focus his gaze on one thing at a time. The place looked so different the day before when he was being given a tour. It was peacefully quiet then. He saw no more than a lonely janitor walking through the wide hallways. Now the place had a feeling of what Jacob thought that Wall-Street looked like. There were four hallways all headed in different directions and meeting in a large square opening. Jacob thought he could see tables and chairs set up throughout the square, but he wasn’t quite sure because of all of the people moving around constantly like waves crashing against the sand bar and retreating back again. He had a feeling he would go deaf with all of the loud noises being shouted from one end of the square to the other. Jacob got a little bit lightheaded from the bouquet of various colognes, perfumes, and deodorants mixing together all around him. He glanced around and saw in one of the back corners of the square a window that looked like a teachers’ lounge through the glass. He watched as all of the timeworn teachers inside tried their best to ignore all of the chaos happening on the other side of their window. For a minute Jacob felt like something was being wrapped around his neck tighter and tighter. His hands felt like they were dripping all over the floor which explained, he thought, why his mouth was one step behind being a desert.
He had to get out of there, but the only exit was being bombarded by more waves of screaming children and impatient adults. His heart was seconds from shooting from his chest and his eyes were racing every which way searching for any kind of escape route, but none could be found. He didn’t know if he would get through this day alive or not. That was until he heard a small, sweet voice call out his name, “Jacob Reynolds,” her voice was so relaxing and powerful that all of Jacob’s anxieties melted off of him like a popsicle in the hot sun. “Hi, I’m Miss Honey, come with me sweetie and I’ll help you figure out your schedule. Let’s get you out of this hurricane of students.” Jacob took her hand and stayed as close as possible to her. As they walked down the long hallway she was like a lighthouse shining a path through a storm. Jacob looked up at Miss Honey and got the same feeling he usually received from his mother’s smile. Like he could do anything.
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First thought on this, a lot of filler-words that could be cut, but the story itself isn't too bad. I noticed a few awkward descriptions and wordings, but nothing too fatal. I like the ocean metaphors. I remember thinking how clever I was for using those. I think this story captures the essence of a new student pretty well. If you've ever been a new student at a school before (and I've had plenty of experience), you know that feeling of over-stimulation that comes with the first day of new schools. Loud students, unknown lands, utter confusion.
Miss Honey was an interesting character. Kind of just showed up out of nowhere, didn't she? But, I guess it seems that way to Jacob's warped perception of the school. I'm sure it wasn't as heroic a save as it's portrayed.
Overall, not bad. Needs improvement, but not bad. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments, and I'll see you all tomorrow.
Buh-bye.
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