What Can We Learn From Death?

“Death is the tyrant of the imagination.”—Bryan Proctor

“For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.”—Khalil Gibran

“Without health– life is not life; it is only a state of languor and suffering” – an image of death.—Buddha 

The ancient Greek writer and thinker, Euripides, said, “No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.” You are reminded of this truth every day. For instance, you read about a successful Hollywood actor who dies from a heroin overdose. You watch the news on television, learning of a man who died accidentally, driving his Austen Mini into a tree. He wasn’t paying attention or wearing a seat belt. A friend tells you of a co-worker who passed away after a long struggle with cancer. You recall the time when the telephone rang in the middle of the night, waking you out of a relaxing sleep. You’re told that your elderly grandmother has died unexpectedly from a stroke. Each of these events reminds you that death can arrive at any time. You also become aware that death is part of life.

What can death teach you about life and living?

The Denial of Death

Most people deny death. They deny death because they fear death and what happens after. Thinking about death creates anxiety. Sometimes, the thought of death creates existential angst. Death provokes people to consider their inescapable fate and to ponder questions about death and the afterlife: What happens to the human spirit after death? Does death result in nothingness or nonexistence? Or is there some sort of rebirth or eternal existence? Denial helps people to cope with questions that cannot be answered in this life.

Many people also deny death by deluding themselves into believing death will happen in the far future, in old age. The reality is that death can come for you at any time, like a thief in the night. You might die by accident, illness, misadventure, mistake, poor judgement, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or old age. And when you look around, you see how many people die unexpectedly, such as Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, John F. Kennedy, and countless others. Yet, many people delude themselves into believing “there’s always tomorrow.”

Even when diagnosed with terminal illness, most people deny death. The first response of a terminally ill person, according to Elizabeth Kubler Ross, author of “On Death and Dying,” is denial. Rather than contemplate death, the person copes by denying it. Denial is the first stage of Kubler Ross’s model of “five stages of grief.” The person might say, “I feel fine” or “this cannot happen to me.

Soon after, the person begins to feel anger, which is the second stage of the grieving process. The person might ask, “Why me? Or “This isn’t fair!” The person might also resentment or anger toward others who are healthy.

Eventually, the person realizes their fate and ties to bargain for more time. The person might ask God: I’ll do anything if you’ll only give me a few more years.” Bargaining is the third stage of the grieving process.

When bargaining doesn’t stop the terminal illness, the person will understand the certainty of death and often become depressed, which is the fourth stage of grief. The person will often feel sad and hopeless, and withdraw from human contact. Many things in the person’s life no longer have meaning or importance. The person might say, “What is the point of going on?”

The finally stage of the grieving process is acceptance. The terminally ill person accepts the fact that he or she will die, and then prepares for death. Often the person will withdraw into themselves. Their interests will diminish, such as the problems and issues of the outside world. If the person doesn’t have a will, he or she will often have one prepared. The person might also share their wishes for funeral arrangements and burial. Kubler Ross writes: “Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happiness stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has gone, the struggle is over, and there comes a time for the final rest before the long journey.”

Yet, for many, death is a taboo subject, something that shouldn’t be discussed or thought about, and so they refuse to ponder questions about dying and death, until they have no choice.

Regrets of the Dying

Some people die peacefully, while others die with regrets. According to Bonnie Ware, who worked as palliative care nurse for five years, and then wrote “The Five Regrets of Dying,” most people who have regrets express the following:

1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not the life others expected. And so, people die with unfilled dreams.
2.  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. When a person is dying, work has lost its meaning. The person wishes they’d spent more time enjoying their life.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. The person has not been true to themselves. The person has not expressed his or her true feelings and had to make compromises, in order to keep “the peace.”
4.  I wished I had stayed in touch with my friends. When death is near, many people desire to say goodbye to friends and loved ones. Often they’ve lost touch with former friends.
5.  I wish I had let myself be happier. Many people didn’t realize that happiness was a personal choice. Many feared change and preferred to remain in their comfort zone. In other words, they could have taken steps to improve their happiness and well-being, but chose not to because of fear.

Sometimes the dying have regrets. The dying scream out to us, “Live your life. Embrace your passions. Some day, when you least expect it, you might lose the chance to live your dreams.”

What Can Death Teach Us About Living?

Death teaches you that the afterlife is one of the great mysteries of humanity. There is no right answer— only belief and faith and hope.

Death teaches you that life is precious. Therefore you ought to do everything in our power to live a healthy lifestyle. You ought to live a life of moderation—not smoking cigarettes, not drinking alcohol excessively, not taking illegal drugs, not eating yourself into obesity. Furthermore, we should not live recklessly, such as jumping out of a plane in a parachute, climbing the side of a mountain without a harness, taking part in extreme sports, taking other reckless chances. If you value life, you respect it.

Death teaches you that life is impermanent. There is no escape from death. We are all going to die some day. It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor, successful or ordinary, evil or good, you are going to die one day. Everyone dies—Nelson Madelia, Mother Teresa, Adolph Hitler, and Bin Laden, even you.

Death should teach you to savor life’s simple pleasures, such as watching a gorgeous sunset, playing a game of cribbage, enjoying a loving relationship, reading an entertaining book, listening to awe-inspiring music, journal writing, spending time in solitude, like David Henry Thoreau’s experience at Walden.

Death teaches you to focus your time and effort on what is important—those things that add meaning and purpose, happiness and well-being, to your life. Many things offer only temporary pleasure, such as sex, travel, delicious food. Other things are engaging and create more permanent happiness: Love. Work or career. Family and Friendships. Leisure pursuits. Fitness. Good mental and physical health. Religion and spirituality.

Death teaches you to live mindfully, in the present moment. Mindfulness means becoming aware of the here and now, and not being lost in thought. Mindfulness means becoming aware of your sensory details of your life–what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. The past is a memory that cannot be altered. The future is unknown, despite all the planning and hope and preparation. You are only guaranteed this moment, the present moment of time. By living mindfully, you will stop worrying about the future, and start enjoying the present. In reality, you only have this present moment.

Death teaches you to express gratitude for life. You can achieve this by “counting your blessings.” Life can always be worse. We often make ourselves unhappy by comparing our lot in life to others. We often make ourselves unhappy by convincing ourselves that “I’ll be happy when I achieve the promotion, get married, have children.” These are just myths of happiness. By counting your blessings, you focus on what you have. Focusing on what you have will elevate your sense of well-being. For instance, the most important thing in life is good health. Without it, you will experience a poor quality of life. And yet, many people take their good health for granted.

How do you desire to be remembered? Most people desire to be remembered honorably and respectfully by loved ones, co-workers, and friends. They want to be remembered as a person who “lived well.” They want to be remembered as kind, compassionate, loving, generous person—not someone who is miserly, nasty, selfish. When a person dies, most people don’t remember the deceased’s wealth, power, status, success. They remember how the deceased treated them, how the deceased made them feel. Death teaches you to leave a legacy of love and respect and generosity.

Final Thoughts

When someone dies, I feel sadness, and I reflect on death. Did the person suffer? Was the person at peace? What does it mean to die? Is there an afterlife?

I fear death—I don’t know what will happen after I die. Often, I believe that death will result in nonexistence, much like an endless sleep, without consciousness.

The thought of death often creates existential angst. Sometimes I think—life is absurd, especially if the end is death. In other words, “we are born to die.”

I’m not sure whether there’s an afterlife. It'd be nice if there was, but I don’t know for sure. The afterlife is one of those mysterious questions that I cannot answer in this life. Furthermore, when I die, I might not be able to answer this question either, especially if death results in a loss of consciousness, nothingness, nonexistence.

See you all tomorrow.

Buh-bye.